Karzz: Ek Chudail Thi Aur Ek Buffoon Tha  

Posted by Vee

There I go with my take on Karzz. The review which you see below is not exactly the same which I wrote for PFC here. I wrote the below piece and sent to PFC which was sent back to me stating I need to modify it as this looked more like an attack on Himesh than a balanced review. So, I modified it a bit which got published here.
Btw, if the below one doesn't look a balanced one then read it as my take on HIMESH and other buffoons who raped and pulverized the orignial Karz; a classic.

It is futile to analyze and dissect Karzz as it’s undisputed that when it comes to Himesh everything he does sucks including judging those mindless talent shows wherein all he does is ‘give roti’ to anyone who remotely howls and hams like him. His music to an extent was good till he assailed us with his much-known nasal crooning. Aashiq Banaya, Aashiq Banaya was bearable which was accepted as there was a new fresh voice in the market. He should have stopped there and then and made HISTORY; the word with which he is obsessed these days. Watch him in the current season of ‘Sa Re Ga Ma’ and you will know what I mean.

Anyways so he should have just stopped singing after that chartbuster and concentrated more on composing. But that was not the case. Sar pe chaddh ke baith gaya and bombarded us with his howls one after the other. We ignored. How could he put up with that and gave age-old cliché ‘love me or hate me, can’t ignore me’ a forceful win by deciding to act. We gave up. The guy is suffering of psychosis we convinced ourselves with as we saw him getting fused with the famous trio already suffering with that: Ekta Kapoor, Karan Johar and Rakhi Sawant.

After showcasing his shaved bare-chest in autobiographical Aap Ka Suroor, he goes a step further in Karzz and does a whole makeover by getting hair silkier, lips fuller and legs much slimmer than both the heroines while figure (not physique) somewhere in between the lasses. There is stiff competition amongst the trio as who got the better shade of lipstick.

I do not know whose idea was it to cast Himesh as Monty (a role made iconic by Rishi). Whoever it is but this could be the worst case reported of casting; even worst than AB as Gabbar. Rishi was an icon, heart-throb of million girls who had bitches named Neetu which were kicked daily. He made nation dance to his ‘Om Shanti Om’ and ‘Ek Haseena Thi’ and later now is pulverized beyond mend by Himesh. Even DJ Suketu’s remix sounds thousand times better. He confessed before the release that “Rishi is the best-looking Monty and I am the worst.” Oh yes, you buffoon. What took you so long to realize?

Satish Kaushik (Director) agrees that no one can match Rishi’s performance. So much confidence in the beginning it self. Whoa!!! Satish adds, “I can judge between good, bad and amateur performances and I have to admit, he has surprised me with his performance.” Alright Tere Naam was fluke. That’s all I can construe from this statement of yours Satish Ji.

And surprised were we to know Himesh as Monty. As if that was not enough, you have Urmila as Kamini. Simi got nominated for her role. I doubt if Urmila would be. No, I am sure. She won’t be.She looks frail and malnourished. That ghastly blood-soaked red lipstick gave Chudail-on-run feel to her wicked act. Chudail also goes onto give some hip-shaking moments with the buffoon. Falooda Nights.

Shweta Kumar is easily forgettable. She has nothing to do. I won’t add apart from this or that. She is nonentity. Her act doesn’t add to the story. And you wonder how that could be? In original, Tina Munim did carry the story forward and she is noticeable unlike Shweta. Watch out for few classic moments like once when she is singing Monty’s famous song and forgets the lines and soon you see Monty completing the lines. Classic? Because he is on a helicopter and she is on earth. How the hell he heard her singing and forgetting the lyrics? Mashallah.

I have been lately been intrigued by what not-so-nice-and-gentlemanly words are called and pronounced in various languages and have learnt quite a lot of them and today I want to hurl all those freaking-so-awful-they-are-actually-splendid-to-hear words on every one associated with the movie called Karzz, Ghai-Kaushik-T-Series-The Buffoon-and-The Chudail. As I exchanged SMSes late in the night with some one connected in the making of this film and has seen it, I informed him that I am going to catch Karzz first day first show. He replied, “Haha, All The Best.” Wow!!! That was comforting.

Something which I read somewhere today: ”Karzzzz belongs to a guy who has supreme confidence in his capabilities, and for the fans who agree. For the rest, there is always something on TV. Himesh is sure to stay.”

Alright, time for us to relocate to Somalia guys.

Marathi me kehte hain ki….. SHUT UP  

Posted by Vee

My second article to get published at PFC (on 11th Oct'08).

I thought I was done with Drona when I wrote its review here and later on I read the interview of Goldie Behl (Director of Drona) and I believe he needs to SHUT UP and yes, in Marathi. That’s up to him how he does that? At least one person (Raj Thackeray) would be eternally happy knowing people are not just speaking but shutting up too in Marathi.

So there goes the interview which he gave and my reaction fed in between it:

Director Goldie Bhel's recently released fantasy adventure Drona didn't get an overwhelming response at the box office, but the director is happy with the fact that superstar Shah Rukh Khan and his son Aryan loved the movie. "It's important for children to enjoy Drona. I'm glad Aryan enjoyed it. I made the film for children, not for those who like their cinema twisted and perverse," Behl told IANS. Behl is determined to make a sequel to Drona and says he will dedicate it to Shah Rukh's son and his son Ranvir.

I say: Alright, so you ought to make it clear from the beginning that you are making Drona exclusively for SRK and his puttar. Why this sudden revelation after the Drona’s disapproval from almost all the sections?

Isn’t it important for children to enjoy any movie that is made, why single out Drona? Don’t give its-my-baby crap now. And look who is talking of twisted and perverse cinema? "Bas Itna Sa Khwaab" is etched forever in mind for being one of the most abnormal cinema and Drona goes beyond the limits of absurdness.

Ok, why not dedicating the sequel to SRK’s dogs and bitches as well. They will for sure be missed in the credits else.

"And all the children of our country who have to watch crime thrillers and sex comedies because fantasies are not made in the country. No matter what the outcome of Drona is at the box office, the sequel will most certainly happen,” he said.

I say: What? Did you run out of your 2.5 grams of brain? Children are getting their share of entertainment. And last one year in particular from this day had been blissful for them. Toddlers or Tweens; everyone had their share of fun and entertainment. And wasn’t Hari Puttar released a week before your film?

Ok, go ahead make the sequel like a gentleman. No matter how much we criticize you won’t stop, so why so much of tom-tomming?

Commenting upon the criticism, Behl said, "As far as we're concerned we've made a film that dares to go into an unexplored genre. Critics are all the time complaining about our films being borrowed from foreign sources.
"When I've attempted something original, why shouldn't I carry the story forward?

I say: And there you blurted it yourself. Did you just say ‘something original’? Well, then you are not doing the reading or listening of the criticism by the book? More or less everyone has pointed out how Drona is muddled up product of many Hollywood movies. Yours truly himself has taken the names of Harry Potter, Fast-n-Furious in his review. And few that I forgot to mention then could be Troy (Brad Pitt meeting his mother), Matrix (The highway chase scene where Trinity and Keymaker are on motorcycle), and some part reminds of Keanu Reeves and Al Pacino starrer 'The Devil's advocate' where Al is a satan. I guess that's enough. You can excuse yourself in case after the debacle of BISKH you have been living in some remote island penning the script of Drona and not aware of who-the-heck is Potter and what-the-heck-those-movies-are which I mentioned? From beginning till end you have borrowed ideas from all possible fantasy stories. Accept it like a man.

Shah Rukh loved the film. He told me his son loved the film. My three-year-old son Ranvir saw the first film of his life at the premiere of Drona. And he couldn't take his eyes off the screen,” he said.

I say: So SRK is the one to love it, huh!!! He for one has not forgotten his Asoka and waits every moment for that to be declared a classic someday.

I do not hold your son guilty. What a three year old can make out of any happenings on big screen anyways? For a first film in theater even I as four-year-old tot could not take my eyes off the screen when I saw Silsila which was based on infidelity. Of course I could not have made anything out of it. And does that mean more movies on extra-marital affair should have been promoted that time just because a four-year-old tot could not take his eyes off the screen? But my dad was not SRK or you and I thank my stars for that.

Do you really think you are being rational here by bringing such analogy? If you are not then why would we? Many parents have already replaced ‘So jaa varna RGV Ki Aag dekhani padegi’ with ‘So jaa varna Drona dekhani padegi’ giving RGV’s film some kind of popularity for over an year only now till your movie took the coveted phrase.

Abhishek Bachchan, who played the title role in the movie, welcomes the idea of a sequel. "It a very interesting possibility. And taking the story forward is an idea that we've planted into the climax of the story. I don't see why we should change our minds," said Abhishek who was seen in sequels like Dhoom 2 and Sarkar Raj.

I say: He needs to save his face any which ways. From day one he has been getting offers without much sweat, so how does Drona being totally neglected would affect him? He has nothing to lose in both the cases of sequel being made or not; and the gain could be Drona-2 might hit the nail. So, he is just being the insightful businessman as expected of actors.

"It's a new genre. There're no reference points to Drona in the audiences' movie-viewing experience. Initially, they were bound to be a bit confused, as we always are by something new. We were prepared for that," said Abhishek.

I say: And so are we now to face your next classic.

"At the end of the movie Drona's son, played by producer Shristhi Arya's son Veer, is being shown tailed by the same supernatural powers as his father. The sequel, it is understood, will launch a new young actor as Abhishek's son and will carry the adventures of Drona into a new realm.”

I say: Hey, take Aryan (SRK’s son) for heavens sake. Why mere a dedication to him? Launch him straightaway.

"Goldie Behl may take a break to make another film. But most probably he'll go to the sequel as the very next one. The story of the Drona-in-waiting has to be told. In fact, Goldie has already written a major part of the script for the sequel and will be casting soon," said a source.

I say: All The Best. (How do I say that in Marathi?)

The CLASSIC Weekend  

Posted by Vee

Socha nahi tha Gandhi Jayanti day would turn out be a fun day. I happened to watch two amazing movies that I am sure will be termed 'Classic' in times to come.

I wrote the review of Drona for passionforcinema.com and as their policy suggests I cannot publish it anywhere until it's published with them. They take 5-7 days to decide if it's worth being published on their site. And today it got posted there. Click Here to read/rate it at passionforcinema [dot] com OR Read below.

Drona – A Groan (a)

All I wanted to do on my day off was catch Drona and Kidnap back to back. I saw few young girls coming out laughing and giggling after the noon show of Drona. Oh, girls usually do that whenever you bring in any super-hero. But, soon few middle aged people followed and they were all smiling and giggling too. Few to themselves and others in a loud growling fashion. I was confused. I had not read any review whatsoever of it anywhere. And people’s reaction intrigued me more. This usually is the case when the movie is supremely entertaining or devastatingly horrible or its RGV Ki Aag. I used to believe there is just good or bad cinema until I saw RGV Ki Aag. Yes, RGV Ki Aag is another category in itself.

I was getting restless by now and could not wait to unravel the mystery behind the laughs and guffaws.

Movie starts with a voiceover introduction of what you are about to see (go through). It gives a short synopsis of who-the-heck Dronas of history were in form of comic strips a la Chandamama or Amar Chitra Katha (remember?)

Cut to some European country. A young boy (Aditya played by Abhishek) is having frightening dream. He complains his Aunt about it who is sleeping with her husband and beloved son. Any resemblance so far to Harry Potter, Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon and Dudley is purely intentional. Aunt ridicules Aditya and shoos him away. Aditya also called as Slow motion ki aulad by his foster mother is very disturbed and whiles his time by looking out of the window. Comes a flying object which is blue in color. The boy is too naïve to shout ‘UFO, UFO’ so gives a sheepish smile. The object lands on his stretched palm and voila it’s a petal.

Another scene. The most hideous scoundrel of all time Riz Raizada (Kay Kay Menon) with a Mohican-Cum-Tower-styled hair and 2 irritating puppets in tow makes his own clone and straight away kills the clone. I am still interpreting why? He wishes to get hold of the Amrit so that he can be Amar forever but not before destroying the world. And you were thinking Big Bang Theory will end the world. Sigh!!! Anyways, so this Amrit ka secret is only with Drona. Riz has killed the earlier Drona and is in a lookout for the heir.

Next scene. The morose Slow motion ki aulad is now a young man with unkempt, grumpy look and hands in pocket (always). The petal still floats around him. It’s his birthday and he goes to see the great magician Riz Raizada performing in neighborhood. One look at Aditya and Riz knows that this gloomy man is Drona. He sends his army (death-eaters) behind him. Death-Eaters? I told you, any resemblance to Harry Potter is intentional. Ok, so death-eaters chase Aditya.

Enters turban woman (Sonia played by Priyanka Chopra) who saves Aditya. He is baffled. She narrates the history, geography and biology of who-he-is and what-he-is ending the story with an orgasmic look on her face. He maintains same expression. Death-eaters reappear. This time she saves him by speeding up in a race car. Any resemblance of high-octane car chase to ‘Fast and Furious’ is intentional too. Soon the death-eaters catch the duo and each death-eater pulls out a sword. SWORD??? You got the best race car for the chase and you pull out sword to fight? Whatever happened to the guns…??? So, Sonia madam pulls out knives from every corner of her body and fights back. Abhishek (who is still baffled with happenings around) suddenly realizes he is supposed to be the man wearing pants and gets strength from nowhere and throws a big iron gate towards the villains killing them at instant. Sonia Madam is amused, smiles a Kodak moment. *Click* and that’s her second orgasmic look.

30 minutes into the movie and bingo; Drona is everything I mentioned above. It was turning out to be extremely entertaining and was giving a tough competition to RGV Ki Aag and not to forget the profound logic that went into everything so far in the movie. I eased myself in the seat beaming to myself, ‘Abhi toh shuruaat huii hai’.

Pronto, I was in for another surprise. The movie takes us to some rural India (I think it was Rajasthan) where a mother (Jaya marathi-nahi-aati Bachchan) suddenly feels some kind of air touching her that tells her in the language which now I know only she understands that her santaan has returned. She started this conversations-with-air in Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham and is continuing the trend. She comes out, sees her santaan from terrace and soon breaks into a song (keeping up the KKKG trend, you see). Mother B explains to Son B why she abandoned him and the entire flashback happens in form of comic strips. Mr. Director seems to be very fascinated with that idea. After mother stops the boring kahaani Riz appears and turns the mother into a statue. THANK GOD. Her mumbles were getting too much to bear.

Drona has all the secrets unraveled now. All he needs to do is find the way to get hold of ‘Horse’, ‘Sword’ and finally ‘Amrit’. The horse is described as something untamed so far which only Drona can tame. And when you see that untamed horse you will know that even Rajpal Yadav could have easily tamed it. The trail to find the sword goes through series of illogical puzzles. One moment is worth mentioning where they (Aditya and Sonia) are stuck as the clue says ‘Drona ki parchhai (shadow)’ something. They take ages to decode that. Aditya then slowly turns and says, “Tum Sonia. Tum ho meri Prachhai’. At this, Sonia Madam looks at him and gives another orgasmic moment to us. What a scene!!!

And after many such profound and thoughtful scenes/moments/dialogues, Riz is closer to getting the ‘Amrit’ after stabbing knife in Drona’s stomach. The blood falls on the barren land and follows a path and soon the barren land is blessed with greenery and day becomes night. The door to the ‘Amrit’ is visible and Riz gallops his horse towards it. Drona is still unconscious (not dead, how can he still be? think profoundly). Riz is running away and is now very close to the ‘Amrit’. Drona wakes up at that very moment, gets up with head hanging down and stands in that pose for 2 minutes. He then raises his head and voila there is a fierce in his eyes. The eye color has changed. It’s no blacker. It’s not remotely human. It’s silver, no, it’s all white, whatever but it’s scary for sure. Super-heroes aren’t supposed to flaunt that eye color Mr. Director. That’s for Zombies or vampires for your information. Riz is getting closer to ‘Amrit’. Drona is furious. He raises his right hand up in the air, makes a fist and Dhadaam. There goes the feeblest punch on the face of earth but earth gets circular waves and the waves start spreading. Waves reach the running Riz and he falls. Yes, he falls. A ripple from earth caused because of Drona’s punch make a running horse and a man on top of it fall. Wow!!! Hail to Goldie Behl. He is genius. Riz dies Drona wins. But that’s not the end.

Not shown how many years later but Drona is seen along with his now lively mother, without-turban wife and a son. Son goes to sleep and there is a look-alike of death-eater outside his room. The movie ends, you know what it means? It means our intelligent director is coming up with sequel soon. A SEQUEL??? I am off to enter a line in my will warning my offspring to stay away from anything that sounds Drona.

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